Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
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date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.