Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely