@ApocalypseHow

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

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@TaylorVirtue

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

@DrLickenstein

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

@0point5twins

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

@SexySpainNights

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

@ParaJanitor

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

@Blarebare

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

@thetigersez

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

@WVUPRT

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

@FriedGoat

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

@mommajessiec

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.