Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
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My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Lmao
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
birds and squirrels envy us
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW