@thejessbess

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

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@kelkulus

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

@Fred_Delicious

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

@wolfevanmural

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

@dubiousgenius

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

@leechee420

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

@knot_eye

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

@bourgeoisalien

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

@bryanmcc74

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

@MiddleageM

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…