-Come on, it’s time to go
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
This will teach them to underestimate me
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.
~ The Disclaimers.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.