Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
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Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.