Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
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I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?