Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.