Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.