Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
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I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
You have been warned.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.