Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
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If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
File under excellent bookstore names.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.