problems i need
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Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
