processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
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You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..