Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
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Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.