PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
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Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.