Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
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Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
one of
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO