[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
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Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I needed a laugh this morning.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I was just discussing this with my cat
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.