Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
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People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
“what that mouth do?” complain
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”