product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
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Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
(yawn)
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.