@MrAndrewRosas

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

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@simoncholland

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

@Laser_Cat

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

@murrman5

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

@Wine_honey1

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

@JeffLoveness

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

@007Pepe_Rex

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

@GrantTanaka

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

@Spaziotwat

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

@Darlainky

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].