Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
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I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.