Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

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I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.


All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.


[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes


It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.


Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?


If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.


Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*


wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working


As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over


I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].