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Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
road rage
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.