Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
ok like just. call me at this point
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
“We will wed,” I threatened
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]