Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
peak technology
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
This is amazing.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣