Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
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Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth