PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
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Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Van Gone
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.