professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Namaste
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.