Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
So true for me
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Brother?