Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
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Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.