@chuuew HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
@Skoog Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
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@chuuew 
@batkaren Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
@AndrewChamings when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
@Mandiatrandom1 “Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
@afraidofwasps You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
@briancgrubb [avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
@Gupton68 Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
@Thynebear *goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
@weinerdog4life Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
@traciebreaux “You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old