Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
You Might Also Like
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My time has come.