@Skoog

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

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@chuuew

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

@batkaren

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

@Mandiatrandom1

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

@afraidofwasps

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

@briancgrubb

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

@Gupton68

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

@Thynebear

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

@weinerdog4life

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

@traciebreaux

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old