professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
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“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.