professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
X-tra spooky blend
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
who wore it better?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.