professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
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*3.5 thank you very much.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…