professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
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My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.