professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
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The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
This trial is so absurd 😭
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My last name is Zilla.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this