professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

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Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.


He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?


*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”


what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free


Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?


[black jack]

ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged


a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath


My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.


Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.