professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
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“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Some people were born into their job.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)