@suecorvette

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

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@TravLeBlanc

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

@XplodingUnicorn

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

@wolfpupy

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

@Dad_At_Law

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

@Christweetpher_

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

@ch000ch

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

@KalvinMacleod

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

@FormerHumorist

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.