@TravLeBlanc Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
@suecorvette professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
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@TravLeBlanc 
@JessicaFancy He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
@XplodingUnicorn *snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
@wolfpupy what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
@Dad_At_Law Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
@GrahamKritzer Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
@Christweetpher_ [black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
@ch000ch a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
@KalvinMacleod My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
@FormerHumorist Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.