professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron