Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Brilliant!
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I see your IQ test came back negative
Ok, but like, how married are you?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.