professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
You Might Also Like
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.