PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.