Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
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I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people