Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
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Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.
*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[robbing a bank]
other robber: where’s your fucking balaclava?
me: *eating baclava* I think I’ve made a delicious mistake
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.