Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.