PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
You Might Also Like
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
No selfies while hijacking a train.