Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
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[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Cardio Made Easy
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex