Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less