Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
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My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Practicing safe sax
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.