Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

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Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”


Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.


*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”


Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.


SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them


Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “


I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”


Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.


Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.


*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.