@AndyAsAdjective

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

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@HatfieldAnne

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

@thedad

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

@TechnicallyRon

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

@huntigula

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

@fowlerism

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

@krisv_723

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

@bader_diedrich

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

@E_lok44

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

@Ivsy01

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

@beefman138

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.