Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
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When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.