Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised