Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
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[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.