Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
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Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
concern
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
#TopTip
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.