*pronounces bondage like corsage.
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my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.