*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad