@panmidwest

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

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@TheNardvark

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

@HenpeckedHal

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

@JohnHilsen

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

@Social_Mime

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

@lordratsquirt

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

@3sunzzz

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

@decentbirthday

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

@RyanHolmquist

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then