*pronounces carrot like tarot*
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don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
How it started How it’s going