@panmidwest
@TheNardvark I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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@TheNardvark 
@HenpeckedHal The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
@JohnHilsen The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
@Social_Mime You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
@lordratsquirt Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
@3sunzzz *walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
@stephaniemain2 Lmao the reply
@CulturedRuffian When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
@decentbirthday [camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
@RyanHolmquist Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then