*pronounces carrot like tarot*

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I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”


The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.


The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.


You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.


Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.


*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*



me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth


Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then